September 10, 2009

Damn The Oils

If you were wondering why it’s taken me more than 5 months to put up this post, there's a reason for that. And it’s because of the damn rubbing oils. Here's what happened.

So I got the oils at the ready and my bed all set up. I was just wondering who to get to practice on when my phone rang. It was my neighbour. He told me that he was feeling horny and that he's itching to feel up someone. I thought it's a great opportunity for me to test the effects of the oils so I invited him over, on the pretext that he can feel me up to his heart's content. (Apparently, that’s his fetish. What a pervert.)

He came over within minutes, which was lucky cos I was getting impatient. I had already 'dressed' for the occasion. There he was standing at the doorway of my bedroom, looking at me, his eyes roving all over my body while rubbing his hands together. I teased him a little; mostly about his hairy potbelly sticking out of his tight pants and about how 'cute' his dick was protruding through his pants. He couldn’t take it and before I knew it, he took two steps towards me, grabbed me and threw me on the bed face down.

I was ready for this. I told him he can start using any of the oils on the bedside table. So he grabbed on, poured all the contents on my back and started rubbing. He's got really nice fingers. Must be from all those practices of feeling up other women's assholes and pussies.

I was getting into it, relaxing to his touch when all of a sudden the whole thing stopped. And he started pulling at my skin. I heard him panicking. i told him to stay calm and simply remove his hands from my ass. But it seems that its stuck. I wondering what the hell had happened when I turned my head to the bedside table and looked. Apparently in his frenzy to feel me up, he had accidentally tipped over a bottle of super glue into the damn oil dish. He was having way too much fun to realise that he had dipped his hairy pudgy fingers into the damn dish rather than grabbing the damn bottle.

Imagine the look of confusion on the faces of the paramedics when i called them in for rescue. They had to figure out how to drag me and him to the hospital to get his hands removed from my ass. As you can imagine, the looks from the doctors, nurses and patients in the hospital were no better.

So for the past few months Ive been recouping my ass to it former glory. They had to surgically remove the idiots hands from my ass which resulted in me losing some skin. Had to go for slight skin grafting to repair the damage. I mean seriously, would anyone wanna touch an ass that has hand marks on them? I dont think so.

Next time, I wont use super glue to fix my edible underwear. It gets in the way of my other toys. Lesson learnt.

*Note: this blog is in no way, shape, form or position dissing any porn-stars out there. Pls be gentle.

March 09, 2009

Dealing With Dildos: The Aftermath

It's been a while. And I've been experimenting. And here's my conclusion: never use a dildo while doing your laundry. I don't know how it happened but it did. I broke the damn thing. And it got stuck inside me for days, rumbling away cos it was still set to the full power setting. I was having a great time walking from my home to my work place with constant orgasms (even though people thought I was constantly having fits or something) but the whole novelty of having a dildo stuck inside you for days wears off, especially when the battery dies. And then it becomes a nuisance. I cant even sit properly. So I decided to go to the doctors to have it removed. I never thought having a dildo removed could be so.... interesting.

It was a rush, a rush of orgasm as the doctor gently pulls it out and I had the most earth-shattering orgasm of my life and I squirted all over the doctor. I thought the doctor would have been happy about it but alas, it wasn't so. Another doctor came inside the room while I was having my orgasm and he wasn't happy that I 'poured myself' onto his lover and catching his lover actually enjoying it. The other doctor gave my doctor an evil eye which prompted my doctor to look sheepish and guilty. I quickly apologised to the both of them; not wanting to get in the middle of a gay quarrel (it tends to get nastily slappy, or so I was told). I got up, got dressed and got home.

How was I supposed to know that youre supposed to take the damn dildo out once youre done?? I thought it was created to be the ultimate orgasm companion but no, its a temporary one, just like the real thing. Oh well, I got home with a bagful of new toys for me to play with.

Next up: rubbing oil.

*Note: this blog is in no way, shape, form or position dissing any porn-stars out there. Pls be gentle.

January 12, 2009

Discovering Dildos

After the disastrous encounter with the pole, I've decided to give this whole long, cylindrical paraphernalia another go. This time I went off to discover the whole world of dildos. I thought there was one type; long and hard. How the fuck should I know that there's more than one type?

So there I was at this XXX shop, looking around at all the 'toys' that they had and I kept thinking to myself as I was looking at a pair of chains and manacles, would my fluffy pink hippo bedroom slippers go with those in my bright pink nightgown? While browsing on all the different versions of the manacles, I stumbled upon the dildo section. I mean I literally stumbled upon it. My damn stiletto heels got caught on one of them chains hanging on the floor and I fell flat on my face. Thank god the new boob-job I had bounced me right back up even before my new-made nose hit the ground. I knew silicon will come in handy one day.

Anyways, I was at the dildo section and looking at one of them when a sales representative came up to me and says 'What size are you looking for?'. I asked her if she had a one-size-fits-all version. She looked at me curiously and said "Madam, your pussy is a one-size-fits-all, dicks comes in all sizes and they all fit into all pussies, just depends on how much dick you want inside you." That obviously made no sense to me at all so I asked her what dick size she thinks will be the best for me. Odd expression on her face. For a moment she looked like as though Christmas had come early and she was staring right at my lower abdomen. She recovered quickly, grabbed the first dildo her delicate hands could reach, shoved it into my hands and moved quickly inside the store. I was sure she was blushing really hard.

So now I've got this dildo thingamajig and I thought, since I need to learn being a porn-star and playing with toys, better start somewhere, even though the dildo looks like a plastic piece of corn on a cob. I paid at the cashier and left, thinking of the number of ways I could use this thing. It feels very hard. Wonder if I can use this to knock that damn nail back into the ceiling. Stupid pole.

*Note: this blog is in no way, shape, form or position dissing any porn-stars out there. Pls be gentle.

January 09, 2009

Sexy Scale


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January 08, 2009

Pole Problems

What a disaster!

So I decided that in order to kick start my career in the porn business, I'd start practicing sexual movements using the all famous pole-dance routine. I gyrated and twirled around the pole (which was placed inside my personal bathroom to avoid awkward moments with my parents). I realised that the reason why I looked like a fucked up skank who's bulimic is because I'm a pole myself. I mean, what the hell happened to my tits? Where the fuck is my ass? Guys would not want to fuck a pole; they want something that they can hold, grab, rub, pull, push and rotate to.

Obviously the pole wont help with my physical situation. So I called up the people who sold me the pole and requested that they take it back; and I want a refund. The bastards have the audacity to tell me that the warranty for the pole has expired. I told them I only used it that one time. According to them, the warranty expires the moment I placed any body parts on the pole; hygiene purposes. Hygiene purposes my ass!!!!

Out of anger, I tried to yank out the damn pole so I can shove it up their asses. But ended up with a broken mirror on top of a caved in ceiling. Had to fork out more than the cost of the pole.

What a fucked up disaster!

*Note: this blog is in no way, shape, form or position dissing any porn-stars out there. Pls be gentle.

January 07, 2009

Welcome Wild Ones.

Since I was born into this world, it has come to my attention that life is too short to waste it on boring days with boring jobs and a boring life. So I've decided that in order to spice up my boring life, I will attempt to learn the art of being a porn-star. Them porn-stars seem to have loads of fun (and I bet they get paid better than what I get at my desk job).

So here's my attempt at being the latest, newest addition to the world of porn. Wish me luck as I traverse this unknown path to freedom, fortune and fucking good times.

*Note: this blog is in no way, shape, form or position dissing any porn-stars out there. Pls be gentle.