Dealing With Dildos: The Aftermath

It's been a while. And I've been experimenting. And here's my conclusion: never use a dildo while doing your laundry. I don't know how it happened but it did. I broke the damn thing. And it got stuck inside me for days, rumbling away cos it was still set to the full power setting. I was having a great time walking from my home to my work place with constant orgasms (even though people thought I was constantly having fits or something) but the whole novelty of having a dildo stuck inside you for days wears off, especially when the battery dies. And then it becomes a nuisance. I cant even sit properly. So I decided to go to the doctors to have it removed. I never thought having a dildo removed could be so.... interesting.

It was a rush, a rush of orgasm as the doctor gently pulls it out and I had the most earth-shattering orgasm of my life and I squirted all over the doctor. I thought the doctor would have been happy about it but alas, it wasn't so. Another doctor came inside the room while I was having my orgasm and he wasn't happy that I 'poured myself' onto his lover and catching his lover actually enjoying it. The other doctor gave my doctor an evil eye which prompted my doctor to look sheepish and guilty. I quickly apologised to the both of them; not wanting to get in the middle of a gay quarrel (it tends to get nastily slappy, or so I was told). I got up, got dressed and got home.

How was I supposed to know that youre supposed to take the damn dildo out once youre done?? I thought it was created to be the ultimate orgasm companion but no, its a temporary one, just like the real thing. Oh well, I got home with a bagful of new toys for me to play with.

Next up: rubbing oil.

*Note: this blog is in no way, shape, form or position dissing any porn-stars out there. Pls be gentle.

Discovering Dildos

After the disastrous encounter with the pole, I've decided to give this whole long, cylindrical paraphernalia another go. This time I went off to discover the whole world of dildos. I thought there was one type; long and hard. How the fuck should I know that there's more than one type?

So there I was at this XXX shop, looking around at all the 'toys' that they had and I kept thinking to myself as I was looking at a pair of chains and manacles, would my fluffy pink hippo bedroom slippers go with those in my bright pink nightgown? While browsing on all the different versions of the manacles, I stumbled upon the dildo section. I mean I literally stumbled upon it. My damn stiletto heels got caught on one of them chains hanging on the floor and I fell flat on my face. Thank god the new boob-job I had bounced me right back up even before my new-made nose hit the ground. I knew silicon will come in handy one day.

Anyways, I was at the dildo section and looking at one of them when a sales representative came up to me and says 'What size are you looking for?'. I asked her if she had a one-size-fits-all version. She looked at me curiously and said "Madam, your pussy is a one-size-fits-all, dicks comes in all sizes and they all fit into all pussies, just depends on how much dick you want inside you." That obviously made no sense to me at all so I asked her what dick size she thinks will be the best for me. Odd expression on her face. For a moment she looked like as though Christmas had come early and she was staring right at my lower abdomen. She recovered quickly, grabbed the first dildo her delicate hands could reach, shoved it into my hands and moved quickly inside the store. I was sure she was blushing really hard.

So now I've got this dildo thingamajig and I thought, since I need to learn being a porn-star and playing with toys, better start somewhere, even though the dildo looks like a plastic piece of corn on a cob. I paid at the cashier and left, thinking of the number of ways I could use this thing. It feels very hard. Wonder if I can use this to knock that damn nail back into the ceiling. Stupid pole.

*Note: this blog is in no way, shape, form or position dissing any porn-stars out there. Pls be gentle.