Damn The Oils

If you were wondering why it’s taken me more than 5 months to put up this post, there's a reason for that. And it’s because of the damn rubbing oils. Here's what happened.

So I got the oils at the ready and my bed all set up. I was just wondering who to get to practice on when my phone rang. It was my neighbour. He told me that he was feeling horny and that he's itching to feel up someone. I thought it's a great opportunity for me to test the effects of the oils so I invited him over, on the pretext that he can feel me up to his heart's content. (Apparently, that’s his fetish. What a pervert.)

He came over within minutes, which was lucky cos I was getting impatient. I had already 'dressed' for the occasion. There he was standing at the doorway of my bedroom, looking at me, his eyes roving all over my body while rubbing his hands together. I teased him a little; mostly about his hairy potbelly sticking out of his tight pants and about how 'cute' his dick was protruding through his pants. He couldn’t take it and before I knew it, he took two steps towards me, grabbed me and threw me on the bed face down.

I was ready for this. I told him he can start using any of the oils on the bedside table. So he grabbed on, poured all the contents on my back and started rubbing. He's got really nice fingers. Must be from all those practices of feeling up other women's assholes and pussies.

I was getting into it, relaxing to his touch when all of a sudden the whole thing stopped. And he started pulling at my skin. I heard him panicking. i told him to stay calm and simply remove his hands from my ass. But it seems that its stuck. I wondering what the hell had happened when I turned my head to the bedside table and looked. Apparently in his frenzy to feel me up, he had accidentally tipped over a bottle of super glue into the damn oil dish. He was having way too much fun to realise that he had dipped his hairy pudgy fingers into the damn dish rather than grabbing the damn bottle.

Imagine the look of confusion on the faces of the paramedics when i called them in for rescue. They had to figure out how to drag me and him to the hospital to get his hands removed from my ass. As you can imagine, the looks from the doctors, nurses and patients in the hospital were no better.

So for the past few months Ive been recouping my ass to it former glory. They had to surgically remove the idiots hands from my ass which resulted in me losing some skin. Had to go for slight skin grafting to repair the damage. I mean seriously, would anyone wanna touch an ass that has hand marks on them? I dont think so.

Next time, I wont use super glue to fix my edible underwear. It gets in the way of my other toys. Lesson learnt.

*Note: this blog is in no way, shape, form or position dissing any porn-stars out there. Pls be gentle.

Dealing With Dildos: The Aftermath

It's been a while. And I've been experimenting. And here's my conclusion: never use a dildo while doing your laundry. I don't know how it happened but it did. I broke the damn thing. And it got stuck inside me for days, rumbling away cos it was still set to the full power setting. I was having a great time walking from my home to my work place with constant orgasms (even though people thought I was constantly having fits or something) but the whole novelty of having a dildo stuck inside you for days wears off, especially when the battery dies. And then it becomes a nuisance. I cant even sit properly. So I decided to go to the doctors to have it removed. I never thought having a dildo removed could be so.... interesting.

It was a rush, a rush of orgasm as the doctor gently pulls it out and I had the most earth-shattering orgasm of my life and I squirted all over the doctor. I thought the doctor would have been happy about it but alas, it wasn't so. Another doctor came inside the room while I was having my orgasm and he wasn't happy that I 'poured myself' onto his lover and catching his lover actually enjoying it. The other doctor gave my doctor an evil eye which prompted my doctor to look sheepish and guilty. I quickly apologised to the both of them; not wanting to get in the middle of a gay quarrel (it tends to get nastily slappy, or so I was told). I got up, got dressed and got home.

How was I supposed to know that youre supposed to take the damn dildo out once youre done?? I thought it was created to be the ultimate orgasm companion but no, its a temporary one, just like the real thing. Oh well, I got home with a bagful of new toys for me to play with.

Next up: rubbing oil.

*Note: this blog is in no way, shape, form or position dissing any porn-stars out there. Pls be gentle.